Code Brown

Posted by: Blue

Warning: Poop humour

Yesterday we had a shift breakfast together, pot-luck style.  I brought my favourite; hashbrown casserole.

There were sausages, fruit, apple pancakes, bacon, cinnamon buns, eggs, and the cliché; doughnuts.

I had two plates, then we cleaned up and headed out on the road  for the start of the shift.

It was a quiet morning.  No calls in the queue, so we rolled around and looked for some trouble.  It didn't take long to find it.  About 20 minutes in, I spotted an abandoned Chevy Cavalier with a torn-up wheel that had been pushed into the front driver's quarter-panel.  Looked like a drunk had hit the median and then abandoned ship before anyone could nail him for driving impaired.

As we sat waiting for a tow, I let JT know that the next stop would need to be the station for a bathroom break. Breakfast was catching up to me.

Ten minutes went by.

Twenty minutes.

I started fidgeting in my seat.  I tried some conversation to keep my mind off of my pending bowel movement.

Thirty minutes.

Forty minutes.

I called the towing company for an ETA.  10 or 15 minutes she said.

I had cramps now.  Had to relieve some pressure.  I leaned a little and let off some steam.

It was rancid.  The damn hashbrown casserole.  Too much garlic.  JT's eyes started watering.  We had to evacuate the car.

"I can't wait dude.  I gotta head for the coffee shop.  You mind waiting for the hook?"

"Sure.  I'd rather you not be around in case that happens again."

I started walking.  It was about 4 blocks.  I made it 2 blocks before the cramps started again.  "Why the hell did I put extra hot sauce on the eggs?"

A cabbie must have noticed the cop walking with something like a cross-over between a hunchback, a waddle and a gimped leg.  He stopped to offer me a ride.  1 1/2 blocks to go... I seriously considered it... then I considered that if my bowels failed me, my misery would forever be captured in that cab... both in the upholstery and on his passenger cameras.  I passed, waving him on with a grunt.  It was all I could muster.

My phone alerted me to a text.  I though JT might be on his way to give me a ride.  I checked my phone, still hobbling along.

JT: It still stinks.  I just threw up a bit.  Serious.  It got right in the seat.

I had to keep from laughing.  Couldn't lose muscle control...

I was crossing the parking lot now.  Made it to the door.  I started undoing my suspender clips and belt keepers for quick removal of the duty belt.

Through the dining area.  Back to the washrooms... "Please God, please don't be occupied!"...  The door opened.  I tried to slam it shut and lock it.  It had a slow-close piston and resisted slamming... I put my body weight into it... Shhhhhhh.......... cl-i-c-k.

Oh sweet merciful heavens.  That's better.

I almost didn't make it.  JT actually did puke a bit of his toast up.  It's the very first time anything job-related has made him nauseous enough to up-chuck.