When He's Gone

I haven't been sleeping well. There are a number of reason as to why this is going on, but one of the more unexpected ones is that I have been waking up thinking someone is on our property and breaking-in to our house. At first it's a dream but while I'm asleep I get so freaked out that I wake up thinking I'm hearing things. Sometimes they are outside, sometimes they are creeping up my stairs, but regardless of where they were in my dream and the sounds that I hear when I wake-up, my heart is racing and I'm freaked out. It takes me a long time to calm down afterwards.

When Blue is beside me it's much easier to feel safe and secure. When he's gone I feel exposed and vulnerable. I never used to feel that way.

According to the dream dictionary, one possible interpretation for my dreams is that some subconscious material is trying to make itself known. I don't know how much of that I believe. I think it's more likely that I'm now more aware of all of the crime that takes place under the cover of darkness. Maybe I'm reading too much of the news these days.

Just today I was startled awake in the early hours of the morning by my phone beeping beside my head. I groggily checked my text message, knowing it would only be from Blue. It told me that there was a break-in just a few houses down and to "keep an eye out". Well, it took me quite a long time to get to bed after that. I know Blue wanted to check-in and keep me safe, but after going to the window and scanning our yard, all I could think about was how un-safe I felt. I wanted him there, with me.

A few moments after I read the text I could hear the whir of the police chopper approaching our neighbourhood. Crime happens everywhere, in every community...but we live in a fairly sketchy one.

Maybe it's time for a dog.

Motivated

I am not today.  - Blue

Growing Older

Blue turned 30 yesterday.

This morning I was sitting in bed, the was sun streaming in and the window was slightly cracked. I was listening to the birds while I sipped at my coffee. Little Blue was crawling around on the floor beside me chatting to his rubber ducky. The Boy and Waffle were downstairs watching cartoons about bugs. Blue had just fallen into bed straight off of night-shift. His breathing was already rhythmic and heavy.

I smiled to myself. Little Blue thought I was smiling at him so he gave me a big gummy grin and then went back to slobbering on the ducks head.

My days are busy and tiring, as are Blue's, but they're good. We're growing older but I don't mind so much when I look around and feel a peaceful contentment.

Sleepy.

One of the things that I love most about Blue working evening and night shift is that he doesn't see how freakishly early I go to bed. It's 4:30pm and I'm already eyeing the clock...so sad.