Posted by: Blue
In the coldest months of the winter, people often come up with strange ways to stay warm.
I frequently see all of the elements on the stove glowing red hot while the oven door is wide open, trying to heat the kitchen.
Lately, I have been going into houses where there are blankets and quilts nailed over the doors and windows to stop drafts.
Last night, on a disturbance call, we knocked on the front door of the house.
"GO AROUND TO THE BACK DOOR!"
We knocked on the back door. Rustling and bustling was heard. The door finally cracked open and the Steward of the Manor lifted a questionable blanket like a tent flap for us to enter into the home. We had to duck under the material (quickly and with as much agility as possible to avoid chances of bed bugs living in the tapestry dropping on our heads) and then edge past the butler; a middle-aged gentleman with a uniform consisting of a beer shirt and dirty "athletic" pants (though I doubt they had ever been used for their intended design) and a mouth full of rotting teeth and spaces where teeth had already rotted away. His breath smelled like Death and Hades riding out to drag souls back to Hell (and stale beer).
"I see you guys have the blanket fort all set up..."
He guffawed and a droplet of spittle landed on my cheek.
The Lady of the House proceeded to explain to us that the blankets were to keep the cold out, completely missing the jocularity in my jab, pointing to a small snow drift in the entryway, which had worked itself through a large 2" gap where the rest of the bottom of the door should have been. She was also well into the beer, and kept telling me that it was okay because her daughter was babysitting her newborn and her house was clean, (which was a low-down-dirty-lie), so I didn't have to call CFS.
We quickly tidied up the call and excused ourselves.
I stood outside in the -45 C (-49 F) for a full 15 minutes, hoping to freeze any bed bugs out of my clothing should they have successfully stowed-away.